Bachelor in Paradise is back. We can all sit with our popcorn as our favorite past rejects from The Bachelor and Bachelorette try to find love in Mexico. It’s three hours a week of glorious train wreck so let’s get right into it. We are first joined by Jade who was left heartbroken on Chris’ season. Her being the first on the beach leads me to think that production is really wanting Jade to find herself a man. Jared is next on the beach and he has dropped his alter ego love man and is stoked to be the first guy with Jade followed by Tenley, and Carly. His hopes of being the only guy are dashed as Jonathan and Tanner show up. Mikey T drops in and immediately turns off both the guys and the girls. Double 
trouble arrive in the form of Virgin Ashley and mystery woman (who i thought was going to be Michelle Money) Lauren, her little not so virgin sister. Mikey immediately takes a liking to her and they head off onto the beach together. Juelia brings back some normalcy to the group. Kirk shows up and Carly is immediately smitten. Lauren gets back from the beach to tell Ashley she’s not into Mikey, but Mikey is sure into her. Ashley as set her eyes on Jared so watch out girls, crazy has claimed her man. Dan shows up followed by Jillian and her black box. But this year she needs two boxes. One for her ass and one for her new set of boobs. To offset the good guys on the beach JJ from Kaitlyn’s season shows up to stir up the drama. Last but not least is Onion Ashley. She holds normal down for about a minute and then is off to admire the birds.
Everyone is mingling and the boys come to the conclusion that Jade will be the most sought after of the girls and Chris Harrison walks up and wants their attention. The guys will be giving the roses out so one girl will go home this week and the sisters are a package deal. If one gets a rose, the other stays. Ashley, the more timid of the two, is ecstatic expecting her sister to slut it up and get them a rose. Chris then brings them to the beach where they all think for a moment, instant rose ceremony but no! Fan favorite couple from last season Lacy and Marcus are getting married and they get to witness it. It would have been nice for production to give Jillian a heads up so she didn’t show up in a canary yellow bikini. Lacy looked stunning and the two exchanged vows and rings in front of a few family members. She throws the bouquet and Juelia catches it. According to TMZ the marriage is not binding, Lacy and Marcus had no marriage licenses in either the US or Mexico. Was this a rating grab?
Now things get real and it’s like Jade is The Bachelorette. There is literally a line of guys wanting to talk to her. Apparently crying is genetic in the Iaconetti family. Lauren is frantically crying for no reason. Mikey can’t 
talk to her the only one to calm her down is Ashley. Lauren doesn’t like anyone here and Ashley is freaking out because if Lauren leaves does that mean she has to? Jonathan and Juelia pair up and bond over their babies. Ashley has clammed up at the thought of talking to Jared. Carly and Kirk go off together and they have this cute high school thing going on. They want to kiss but they’re to shy and finally it happens and then like in highschool they go off to tell their friends about it. Will these two be the next Marcus and Lacy? They are super cute together. Ashley finally musters the courage to talk to Jared about how she is princess is Jasmine. She things the conversation when AMAZING then Jared goes down to the beach with Jade and crazy Ashley starts to cry.
The next morning when Lauren awakes she finds Carly and Kirk coupled up. Dan likes Jade, but saw Jared did too so he set his sights on Ashley S and Mikey likes Lauren but we know Lauren is not feeling Mikey 
at all. Ashley I gets the first date card and of course Jared is her choice, but the drama comes in how does she ask him. Jared looks positively queasy at the thought of being asked and JJ wants her to ask him not because he likes her but because he’s a douche and just wants to go on the date and get a rose. Jared does say yes though, and the two manage to have a good time off roading in the jungle and spending time swimming in the ocean. Back at the house no one sees the two becoming a couple. Ashley S and the birds mare making a love connection.
The next date card comes and Jade gets to pick her date. She is going back and forth between Tanner and Jared. While she’s thinking Ashley and Jared come back all smiles. In the end she picks Tanner and Ashley breathes again. The two have a romantic dinner on the water and they have great conversation. He says he doesn’t care about her Playboy past and i can’t tell if he was serious when he said he was going to do Playgirl next month.Back at home everyone is talking by the fire and Ashley S isn’t there and they see lights. She’s being carted off into a stretcher. Dan runs after her and jumps in the ambulance, no shoes no shirt and off to the hospital they go. Meanwhile Tanner and Jade are kissing over dinner and end up swimming and making out in the river.
There is a storm brewing off shore and in walks Clare Crawley with a date card! Before she walks in she lets us in on her targets. Of course they are Tanner, Kirk and Jared. She’s not afraid to ruffle any feathers either so watch out ladies Hurricane Clare is coming for ya. This is where episode 1 ends and we go into episode 2 with what has to be the cheesiest credit intro I have ever witnessed. It’s terrible. ABC STOP THAT! As Clare meets everyone on the beach, she zeros in on Jared but sits with the girls to get the skinny on who is coupled up. The girls recommend Dan for her but the he arrives from the hospital with Ashley and it’s clear the to have “shipped” while in the ER. Poor Ashley is stuck with Mikey and JJ. Clare talks things out with this years 
animal BFF “The Crab” Sorry raccoon you’ve been replaced. While Mikey isn’t Clare’s typical type, he puts himself out there for her and tells her he’d love to go out with her and she is game. He lets her know he always had a crush on her so points to Mikey! They think they are up for some grand adventure but they walk into a tantric yoga session. The pairs sexual chakra’s are out of this world and the two spend the afternoon awkwardly meshing their bathing suit areas together. As douchey as he was when he came in, he really does seem smitten for Clare so hopefully she gives him a real chance, but she tells him that while she is open to getting to know him she wants to get to know the other guys too.
Tenley comes out looking all beautiful in clothes for the first time since they got there expecting to 
get the date card. She was pretty pissed when Ashley S got it,and she of course chose Dan. The two have an intimate dinner where Ashley holds a normal conversation. I think this guy could be it for her. He gets her and likes her craziness. Best of luck to these two love birds I mean both these guys think the ER was the best first date ever! Tenley is freaking out over not having a connection with anyone. She wants Jared but the age gap scares her. Mikey tells her to go for it so she snags the opportunity to walk down the beach with him peaking crazy Ashley I to the surface again. She keeps calling Tenley the old lady and hates she has to compete with her. So her plan is to get drunk and go after Jared. She steals him away from Tenley and tries to explain her awkwardness. Jared doesn’t promise her the rose and now she freaks out.
Finally the first rose ceremony begins. The guys are relishing the fact that they all have roses and essentially the power. Tenley, Jillian and Ashley I are the ones with no guarantees. They all scramble to solidify their place during the cocktail party. Jillian and Tenley work on JJ. Jillian is very agressive about where Tenley 
is more sweet about it and they kiss before the rose ceremony begins. Ashley tries again with Jared and things seem to go well, and then he talks to Clare and tells her if she doesn’t have a rose by the time it’s his turn to give one out it’s going to Clare. News flash….Ashley is crying again. Tanner of course gives his rose to Jade and Kirk gives his to Carly. These two couples see destined to be together . Dan gives his to Ashley and Jonathan gives his to Juelia. Mikey extends his rose to Clare. Then it’s Jared’s turn. Clare has her rose, so he gives his to Ashley I by default. Now it’s JJ’s turn. Does he choose Jillian or Tenley. He seems pissed he has to choose. Will Tenley finally know what is feels like to go home. NOPE Tenley gets JJ’s rose and Jillian is sent home and the black box guy is again out of work. I think JJ chose the wrong girl Jillian was legit into him and Tenley is using him for his rose and a shot with Jared next week.
What are you thinking of the couples in paradise so far? I think Carly and Kirk and Jade and Tanner have the best shot. Ashley I will be crying 90% of the time as Tenley and Clare fight for Jared’s affections. We have a new girl added this week which will put added pressure on them so I can’t wait to see this unfold. Remember Bachelor in Paradise airs on both Sunday and Monday with After Paradise airing right after on Monday nights. See ya next week!
