What an insane week in Paradise. So much to say so little time so lets dig into it. We start with the Fauxdashian twins because any show isn’t show unless the crying duo isn’t the center of attention. This time is Lauren who is melting down after the rose ceremony. She hates paradise, wants to leave and Ashley is begging her to stay. Is it because she’s terrified if Lauren goes she has to or because she really wants Lauren to whore herself out for roses so they can both stay in the game I don’t know. Ashley does convince her to stay with the hopes that Joshua from Kaitlyn’s season may show up. She agrees to see if he comes and gets her a date! The next morning everyone is chilling. Mikey is walking around with a pebbles style man bun that needs to go away, and is trying to keep his love with Clare alive. She’s not feeling it though. We also learn that Lauren is a self titled “Mistress” I mean her guy isn’t married, but clearly has a girlfriend and she’s the bit on the side. She’s pretty proud of this and the eye rolls from everyone else aren’t even being hidden. Ashley really wanted to bring Lauren to Mexico to get her mind off that guy and give her a chance at a real relationship. It’s weird but I comment Ashley for trying to be a good big sister.
And as if the Bachelor Gods were listening in walk Joshua. If you don’t remember him he was the welder that showed up night one with an amazing rose made from metal. He also allowed Kaitlin to cut his head and ended up with one horrid haircut. Well the hair is fixed and he, of course, has a date card in hand. Tenley sets her sights on him and Josh and JJ have a tense reunion. The two were not friends on The Bachelorette and here they are possibly fighting for the same girl again. Ashley steals him immediately and tries to sell her sister She thinks she did a phenomenal job but I wouldn’t have her sell water in the middle of the desert. Lauren has 
some awkward conversation with Juelia and Tenley swoops in like a pelican grabbing a fish from the ocean. JJ doesn’t seem to be worried that Josh can take his woman so when Tenley agrees to go on he doesn’t seem to care. Who does care is Lauren and she decided then and there she is out of Paradise and try to work on things with the guy at home.
As Josh gets ready for his date with Tenley, JJ has no shortage of insults about Josh, and his ability to get a woman. Even bets $50000 he gets the rose. Me thinks he does protest too much. All this bashing just highlights your own insecurities JJ. After the two leave on their date fresh meat arrives with Joe from again, Kaitlyn’s season. They guys are happy, have said how funny he is and Clare jumps up to introduce herself to him. When Joe was went home he didn’t take it well, and he has a split personality so watch out ladies. The girls don’t get what the guys are seeing in him. It was super awkward and when he does open his mouth he insults Clare, the one girl into him. She leaves in tears and THE RACCOON is back. She opens up to her trusty friend about not wanting any drama. Joe could barely read his date card nevermind ask anyone. We think he asked Juelia or she volunteered to go, which pisses off Jonathan who’s been slowly working his connection with her.
On Tenley and Josh’s date they walk around town and bond over their love of theatre. Josh majored in theatre in college and we find out Tenley worked for California Disney and Tokyo Disney where she played Ariel. She’s into his size. His hand are ENORMOUS and she can’t get enough. JJ still isn’t concerned but after dinner and dancing and some kissing JJ you may be $50000 poorer by the end of the episode. JJ takes her aside when they get back and they kiss on the beach too. She’s really making the most of her time in paradise. JJ goes to bed confident with Tenley but he doesn’t know Josh and Tenley are back at it.
Joe and Juelia head off to their date horseback riding. Today we see a different Joe. He’s talking and engaged and even seems sweet. He definitely turned on the Texas charm. Tenley is raving about their date and the connection seems to have carried over. Everyone is chilling in the pool and Josh starts talking about drinking in Vegas. He brags about drinks with Mollie in it and everyone is now totally confused about who he is 
and they are all on guard for Tenley’s sake. Mike and Dan decided to fill her in on the conversation. She is grateful for the info.. She can’t afford to waste another 5 years on something that isn’t her forever. While Joe and Juelia are having run riding horses Jonathan is planning how to amp up his relationship with her. Joe and Juelia end up at a waterfall and go for a swim that ends a hard-core make out session. She’s a smitten kitten….for now. He said all the right things and she thinks they are headed to something serious. Tenley pulls Josh aside and at first he doesn’t get what she’s talking about then he realized is the Mollie conversation and assures her that it was a one time thing done at a bachelor party. His life is pretty normal and he doesn’t get what the drug hype is about. Tenley seems relieved about his answers and is satisfied.Tenley is still keeping her JJ options open though and wants to talk with him later. Juelia and Joe come back from their date and while she is gushing about the day Joe is back to awkward and quiet. He looks miserable and she looks radiant.
Everyone is wondering about who will get roses and talk of Mikey comes up. The girls confirm to Dan that Clare won’t give Mikey her rose. He tries to warn Mikey but he doesn’t seem to really process it. Mikey talks to Tenley who tells him she’s kind of into Jared but doesn’t know anything for sure. While everyone things Joe and Juelia may be the next IT couple, she sits with Jonathan to talk. She tells him that she thinks he’s amazing but isn’t feeling it romantically, now he needs to regroup and find a new girl. While Juelia gushes about Joe he’s talking to producers about how he’s not into her and he only kissed her to secure a rose. He really wants to see Samantha from Chris’ season. Production wants him to fess to Juelia his response is to fart. This guy is a super douche and I just want to open Juelia’s eyes. Even Mikey would be a better option than Joe.
The last date card of the night goes to Jared. Everybody loves Jared and Ashley has laid her claws into him or so she thinks. Her and Clare are vying for his affections and he chooses to ask Clare on a date without even a second thought. Clare of course says yes and Mikey and Ashley lose their minds. Mikey loses it on Clare and accuses her of leading him on, which she never did. She points out she always said I am here to explore and he in his love infected brain can’t process this. Ashley is crying, Mikey is sulking and Jared is just lucky Mikey didn’t deck him. Mikey is still sulking the next morning and Clare and Jared are on a boat ride to cliff bungee jumping. No freaking thank you, I’ll stay on the boat! Clare is terrified too but after a few kisses from Jared she finds the courage to jump.
Back at the beach Juelia who is taken with Joe wants to get to know him better and he’s acting like she’s got the plague. Everyone else is noticing that he’s being stand offish to her as well. The idiot even goes as far as to tell Tenley, Josh, Jade and Mikey how he wants Samantha to be there. What the hell dude? I can’t even be nice to him. I want to shake Juelia and wake her the hell up. She deserves so much better than this joker! Clare arrives home from her date and stands right outside Ashley’s door and gushes about her date with Jared as Ashley looses her mind in the other room. Our last guy of the week shows up to paradise. It’s Michael from Des’s season and he is here for Tenley. Even JJ is threatened by him. He pulls her aside the minute he gets there and tells her he is there for her and asks her out. She accepts. So now Tenley who started the week with 1 man now has 3 fighting over her.
With Tenley and Michael away on their date, the guys left need to secure their roses. Mikey is now into Juelia. He pulls her off to talk and tells her they should try and explore each other but she is so focused on Joe she’s not willing to give him a chance. She denies his attempts at a kiss and they go join the group. Tenley and 
Michael show up to a restaurant with a special table set up outside and it’s in water, like puddle deep water. Why trudging through water is consider romantic I will never know. He tells her everything she wants to hear. You’re so pretty, i love your positivity, there is no plan B I only came here for you. Of course she makes out with him. She is making her rounds of the paradise guys this year leaving no stone unturned. Back at the beach life isn’t so rosy for Clare. While she tells Jared he rocked her world he’s telling her she’s to old for him. Damn that is a smack in the face, the poor girl is only in her early 30’s. Every girl wants to hear, you’re 8 years older than me….but you look great! Oh Jared. Ashley is going to be doing a happy dance when she hears about this. Back on the date Tenley and Michael are surprised by a flash mob mariachi band. Tenley says she’s in trouble at this rose ceremony. Poor girl, maybe you should make up your mind honey.
The ladies are in charge this week and they are enjoying every minute of it. Mikey knows he lost Clare’s rose so he is going to work on Juelia again, but she basically promised her rose to Joe in front of everyone. Jonathan grabs her and point-blank tells her that Joe isn’t there for the right reasons. She thinks he’s just saying it because he doesn’t want to go home. Mikey tells her the same story and the girl still doesn’t see the red flags. She tells Joe what the guys say. Joe says he didn’t want to smother her and that is why he didn’t spend a lot of time with her. Joe pours the shit on thick and she falls for it but he’s pissed. Mikey goes to him and tells him his concerns. Joe can actually look the guy square in the eyes and like to him. The man is psychotic. Just before Mikey came up to him he was telling production how if they were in the “real world” he’d beat the crap out of both of them. Is this really a guy that should be on a reality show, I mean yes because of the drama but isn’t he a bit of a risk? The minute Mikey leaves thinking the two sorted things out he turns to production and says I just made him my bitch. Then he sets his sights on Jonathan. When he’s confronted he crumbles and tells him I’m so sorry i got caught up in the “game” of it all. Joe makes him go up and tell Juelia the same story. This guy is 
nuts. Juelia is totally manipulated, Jonathan is crying and Joe thinks he’s made everyone his bitch. Seeing Jonathan weeping and apologizing to that joke of a man disgusts me. Tenley is still interviewing Michael, JJ and Josh and Jared makes Ashley’s life and tells her how he wants to get to know her better and they share their first kiss. Poor Clare doesn’t think there is anyone there for her and Chris finally calls for the rose ceremony! But first Clare has something to say. She thinks this year people are just here as game. Last year they were here for love and she wants love too. Everyone is wondering WTF is this girl doing. but she’s holding them all hostage.
Finally the ceremony begins but Jade has a rebuttal. She found Clare’s speech offensive. She’s here for love and so is everyone else so basically STFU. Clare’s response. if the shoe fits wear it! What does that mean. lets give out roses. Carly of course chooses Kirk. Ashley S and Dan are still a couple. Jade chooses Tanner and then there is Tenley. Three guys wait for their name and Joshua wins. Now it’s Clare’s turn. In typical dramatic fashion she needs a minute, her and Chris go off into a huddle. Everyone sees it as her ploy for attention and no one cares, well the guys do because they want to stay but the girls are practically packing her bags. Clare’s outburst leads us to our first cliffhanger of the season. Who will she pick? We are still waiting on Juelia and Ashley I to give their roses too so now i’m super annoyed at Clare.
Will Clare walk away? What did you think of this crazy episode? Comment below and let me know that and which couples do you see making it to the end. Don’t forget we are covering Big Brother 17 with blogs, live recaps and YouNow’s. Check out yourrealityrecaps.com/bb17 for everything you need to know big Brother!
