Bachelor in Paradise: Week 5

Our time in paradise is coming to a close very soon but we are in no shortage of Joe/Samantha drama again this week. We start off  this week with the couple we love to loathe Joe and Samantha. Justin has set his sights on her and Joe now realizes he needs to eat crow to not lose her completely. He apologizes to her for being an ass and it seems to do the trick. She falls for it and tells Justin to ask someone else. Joe is happy and the two of them spend their time lounging on the beach and really for the first time creating no drama. Justin sets is sights on Amber now. She accepts because Dan is moving to slow and she wants to make him jealous. OK Amber, Too slow, you have known him 2 days and you made out all over the place on your first date, did you want him to sleep with you right then and there on the beach! Plus are you in high school? Let’s go out with another boy to make this one jealous. Come on, your adults, use your words!

Amber and Justin go on their date. They walk around town and end up on the beach where they take a Salsa class. Amber insists Justin go topless for this. Things get hot between the two of them. His hand is on her ass they are kissing all over the place. On the dance floor, on the beach, in the water. Poor Justin is so sunburnt. I feel for the guy having been in that predicament myself this summer. He’s gonna be hurting for a while. Can’t production give these white boys sunscreen. Amber is now torn between Justin and Dan. Will her plan backfire and she end up with no one?

While Amber and Justin are dancing on the beach Bachelor franchise bad boy Chris Bukowski makes his 5th (yes people 5th) appearance on a Bachelor show. He was on Emily’s season, then he did Bachelor pad 3, he tried to get on Andi’s season but she shot him down. He found a short-lived romance with Elise in paradise last year and now he’s back. All the guys are nervous with this guy around and the girls now about his reputation and really don’t want anything to do with him. Chris has his eye on Tenley and wastes no time finding Jorge to give him some liquid courage.  He is in no hurry to ask Tenley out instead he’s whooping it up in paradise. Finally totally inebriated thanks to Jorge he finally takes Tenley aside and asks here out. Of course she says no. He doesn’t take the news well and throws his glass and stumbles off. Josh decided to go talk to him. This guy has some courage. Not only does he go talk to him but has the nerve to ask him for his date card since he won’t be using it! Chris actually gives it to him and leaves paradise. He was there a whole maybe 6 hours. Now ladies I know you are going to be sad but on After Paradise Chris actually announces his retirement from The Bachelor franchise. Maybe he and Clare will go off into the sunset together and live happily ever after!

Amber and Justin have returned home from their date. Dan takes her aside to talk. Amber tells him she had a great time but he was in the back of her mind the whole time. Really Amber? I’m sure Dan was the last thing on your mind as you stuck your tongue down Justin’s throat! He tells her that he’s not sure their connection is strong enough. He had a great time on the date but if it’s not there it’s not there. He doesn’t want to force it but they can’t be great friends. OOPS Amber it looks like your plan back fired and you are now in the friend zone. Congratulations! Needless to say she regrets her decision to go on the date. Now can she hold on to Justin?

So Tenley and Joshua are off on what was supposed to be Chris’ date. They go to…guess where…you’ll never guess…Guadalajara! I think the show had a Groupon there because they go there every show. They meet up with celebrity chef Fransisco Ruano . He takes them shopping in the local markets, they are trying all these new fruits and cheeses and drinks. Josh tried a pepper that just about killed him. They go back to his restaurant where he cooks them a gorgeous dinner and guess what. THEY ACTUALLY ATE THE FOOD! First time I’ve ever seen them eat a meal on The Bachelor anything. Normally I just scream at the TV because a gorgeous dinner just sits there! The couple go for a romantic carriage ride before returning back to paradise.While they are gone Dan had decided he now wants Samantha. WTF are you thinking and where is Carly to bitch slap you for being an idiot! For a guy who watched all the Joe/Samantha drama go down, how he can be interested in her is mind-boggling but he is and he needs to tell her which brings us into the cocktail party.

The girls are giving out their vaginas…sorry i mean roses tonight. Ashley hasn’t given up on Jared yet and wrote him a three page, front and back letter expressing her feelings. She knows her verbal communication sucks but she’s a great writer and I actually loved it. Jared’s reaction was priceless….not to the letter itself but to the fact it was front and back. I just about died laughing. She wants him to read it, process it than come talk to her. Amber fresh from her Dan rejection wants to get to know Jared better now. FFS why is Jared every girls dream? I don’t get it. She asks if she gave him her rose would he accept so they could get to know each other better. Of course he says yes. Then Dan talks to Sam. He doesn’t get the Joe spell she’s under. She thinks it could be love at first sight. Dan says he isn’t being himself and is just trying not to be exposed.He wants her with a good guy, Joe then interrupts and asks her to talk. She goes with him and he tells her he wanted to tell her something all night and plants a kiss on her, which she enjoys. He then brings her back to Dan to finish the conversation. Dan asks what she thinks will happen when they get home from Mexico. He will most likely be possessive and the first time he doesn’t answer a text he’ll go crazy. She doesn’t seem phased by the conversation. is the Joe spell really that hard to break

Now we finally get to the rose ceremony. The first three couples are no shock to us. Carly and Kirk, Tenley and Joshua and Jade and Tanner.  Juelia gives her rose to Mikey and Ashley S gives her to Nick. Whose rose does Jared get, it’s all depends on the order in which Chris calls them up. Of course Ashley I is first and Jared accepts her rose to the horror or Amber who now has to give hers to Justin. Last but not least is Sam. Of course Joe is getting her rose right? WRONG! I guess Dan’s words just needed to marinate a bit because she gave her rose to Dan. Joe will not go quietly. Why he asks, because of the drama. He says she lead him on (which she kind of did) and he is not going to be the only one crucified for hurting Juelia. In the limo he shows the texts she wrote about him doing whatever he needs to get a rose. HE actually gave Chris  a leather-bound book with all 400+ texts between him and Samantha that Chris showed on After Paradise. This guy is serious!

After trying to smooth things over with Joe she goes back to the group and gives some fake apology with more lies. Jared, Carly and Tanner aren’t buying what she is selling and Ashley S actually asks if she had been talking to Dan before they got her too. She seems real pissed at Sam and Sam starts to cry and Dan comforts her. It’s not like 4am  and guess what. We get a newcomer to paradise. Chelsie from Juan Pablo’s season arrives and it’s the last thing anyone wants right now. I can’t even place this girl, I blogged JP’s season and I don’t remember her at all! She doesn’t have to pick her date that night and everyone breathes a sigh of relief. The next moning Carly  uses her  to get Dan away from Samantha. She takes her to talk and tells her that Dan is pretty much the only one not coupled yet.

Now we enter Monday’s episode where everyone is hung over from the cocktail party the night before. Juelia got stung by a jellyfish and Tenley had to pee on her and Chelsie totally ignores Carly’s attempt at breaking up Dan and Sam by asking out Nick who says YES. But first there is the small yet terrifying matter of Ashley S. This is the excuse Nick needed to separate from her. The girl has gone crazy since Dan broke it off with her so he’s ready for a not so insane girl. He goes to talk to Ashley who is not to impressed he came to see her while she was washing her face. She tells him to wait 10 minute and finally she come out to see him where he tells her the chemistry just isn’t there. I told you all it was just the tequila talking last week. She is not amused with him. She agrees but she think’s he’s rude and tells everyone that he was a jerk. I think he handled it fine but crazy is as crazy does and Ashley S is INSANE.

Time for another one of Chris’ rejects to enter paradise, this time in the form of another crazy, alien loving Mackenzie. She was the young single mom who was best friends with Ashley I so that tells you a lot. Ashley gives her the 411 on whats happening. At least Mackenzie knows girl code and stays away from Jared. She gets pointed in the direction of Justin, who as a single dad, may just be what she needs and Nick who is on his date with Chelsie as they talk. This date is a ride on a yacht. The two have their cheesy I’m the king of the world moment on the bow and talk. They talk about coming in late and how time isn’t on their side, they sail past the resort and wave to everyone on the beach. It’s a nice time but there was no real spark there. I don’t see anything happening with these two. He still likes Samantha and wants to try and beat out Dan.

Dan is still pursuing Sam and Mackenzie talks to Justin  and to Dan to decide who she wants to go on a date with. Dan is a little to smart for her and I think she had some trouble keeping up with his conversation so she decides to go after single dad Justin and asks him right in front of Amber. Amber is pissed, now who is going to give her a rose? The date card told her to ask someone she could see a future with and her and Ashley I couldn’t figure out what it mean.  These two end up on the freakiest date. they show up to this fire pit with scarves and ropes and what the hell is going to happen. Then a Mexican shaman/priest guy shows up and he speaks no English. So this should be fun. Mackenzie used all her Spanish saying hola, como esta? after some charades they ended up stripping down to their underwear, covering each other with mud, being tied together with the rope while the guys blew smoke at them and blew into a conch shell. After all that he simply says you’re married and walks away.

The two go back to the beach and i think Mackenzie really thinks they are married and Justin is now her new baby daddy. He is trying to find someone to divorce them ASAP! Dude you got the rose this week. Just  give to Amber. There is a way out. And then Jaclyn from Ben’s season arrives. Again, no memory of her either but Ben’s season was a snorefest so don’t judge me! She’s here to shake things up. She has no friends here and she doesn’t care who is with who. Her and Jared hit it off really quick and Ashley sees this. Not to be out done by the older bleach blonde she goes to Chris and tells him she wasnts a date card that leads to a fantasy suite. Girl is fixing on losing that virginity tonight! Chris obligies and Ashley returns with a card that that says pick someone to spend some alone time with. Before Jaclyn can ask Jared out Ashley scoops him up and he actually says yes!

Will Ashley’s v-card be gone at the end of this?  I like her and Jared together so I am going to pay on this to happen. Next week is the finale and we will get some closure on the couples. From the preview edit it looks like Janner and Kirkly break up and someone gets engaged. Does Josh propose to Tenley or maybe Jared proposes to Ashley? I have found it odd that all season we have seen no interaction  between Jade and Tanner and Kirk and Carly. We do see a lot between Carly, Dan and Jade though!  What do you guys think is going to happen next week. Comment below and give me your predictions, I can’t wait to read them!