Every summer, like clockwork, CBS graces us with a group of average Americans looking for their 15 minutes of fame. Going under the name Big Brother, this primetime reality TV show promises one lucky winner fortune and fame for surviving the summer under the never blinking eyes of 80 cameras.
Ya know what? Screw this! If you’re reading this blog, then you know what Big Brother is… so let’s get to the good stuff.
While every other blog is gonna regurgitate banal observations about the obvious checklist casting goes thru to find these dweebs, “Token nerd? CHECK! Token gay? CHECK! Token ditzy blonde? CHECK!” We are doing something different!
In today’s entitled society, all these brats have been brought up to expect an award just for getting out of bed every morning… so we’re gonna give it to them! That’s right: just like your high school yearbook, we’re giving out the awards long before the 14 losers shown below have done a damn thing!
Jace Agolli – Age: 23 – Occupation: Personal Trainer
TVtater: Most Likely to Have Production Constantly Yelling at Them to “Stop That!” – Come on, this guy is 50%+ a Hayden clone. I expect him to have a good social game, but will it doom him like Hayden’s did?
Vince: LEAST likely to shower on a regular basis. Because he looks GROSS. Get a haircut, man!
Becky Burgess – Age: 26 – Occupation: Retail Manager
Vince: Most likely to Bore Everyone with Stories of Her Illustrious Career in Retail Management – Is that really her only claim to fame? Yawn. Snore.
TVtater: If she lasts more than 2 evictions: Professional Victim. Yeah the cat ladies will love her, and I’ll loathe her. Count on pointless self pity parties when she’s a have-not.
Clay Honeycutt – Age: 23 – Occupation: Graduate Student
TVtater: Most Likely to Start an Alliance of 12 People – He’s a recruit. Game subtlety is lost on him. What’s not lost on him? Abs. You’re welcome feedsters 😉
Vince: Most Likely to be in a Relationship… With Himself! – He adores Dumbledore Jeff who is basically the same type of person. I hope he brought plenty of lotion!
James Huling – Age: 31 – Occupation: Retail Associate
Vince: Most Likely to Go Frog Giggin’ with J-U-Double D – Nuff said.
TVtater: Most Likely to be Mocked Incessantly on Twitter for Having a Daughter. Thats what you get for walking the well worn path of a previous houseguest.
Meg Maley – Age: 25 – Occupation: Server
TVtater: Shut Up Meg! Sorry had to get that out of my system. An award… an award…? Candidly I fell asleep during her interview. OK, here it is: Most Likely to Get Lost On The Way To The Diary Room. Why? Just because. Update: I just made it thru her whole video. Awake. I stand by my award.
Vince: Most likely to be evicted first – She’s annoying. Would YOU want to live with her for 97 days?
Austin Matelson – Age: 30 – Hometown: Woodland Hills, Calif.
Vince: Most Likely to Star in a Remake of Cast Away – “Willllsoonnnnnnnnnnnnn!”
TVtater: Jesus, Judas, ZZtop. Who the hell is this guy? Ok, award time: Most likely to Get Stuck In a Competition Vat of Caramel. That beard and hair is a serious competition liability. And if the top hat goes in the house, he should be required to wear it in all competitions. 😛
John McGuire – Age: 27 – Occupation: Dentist
TVtater: Most Likely to Scream in the DR. This one’s too obvious and easy but I’m taking the low hanging fruit, dammit!
Vince: Most Likely to Get Called to the DR for his daily Ritalin dose – Who are we kidding? (And dammit Tater you took mine!)
Audrey Middleton – Age: 25 – Occupation: Digital Media Consultant
Vince: Most likely to be the BB villain. She wants to be a hero for more reason than one, but I think she could pull off the bitch thing a little too well. *fingers crossed*
TVtater: Vince veto’d my first award choice, sooooo… Most likely to Get in Cat Fights In the Kitchen. I’m hoping. We want conflict and drama!
Steve Moses – Age: 22 – Occupation: College Student
TVtater: Most Likely to Make Annoying Shoutouts During Eviction Speeches. (also Most likely to be in 12 Alliances!) SupaFan! Nerd!
Vince: Most Likely to Have a Complete Nerdgasm if Former BB HGs Enter the House. Remember Ian Terry? Maybe not that bad, but still.
Liz Nolan – Age: 23 – Occupation: Marketing Coordinator
Vince: Most Likely to Win a Fran Drescher Laugh-a-thon. Seriously. That laugh. Someone shoot me. Please?
TVtater: I honestly had to watch her interview three times because the sideboob kept distracting me. Her Award: Most Likely to have Several Parody Accounts Made Based On Distinguishing Characteristics. (boobs) Whoa whoa whoa, before you start hating the tater, slow your roll. She’s flat out said she’s using beauty instead of brains as her strategy.
Shelli Poole – Age: 33 – Occupation: Interior Designer
TVtater: Most Likely to be in a Showmance. She’ll either be out in first 3, or carried to final 5.
Vince: Most likely to NEVER SHUT UP about their family. She’s family oriented FFS! We thought Frankie would never shut up about his sister… It gets worse. Much much worse.
Da’Vonne (Day-Vahn) Rogers – Age: 27 – Occupation: Poker Dealer
Vince: Most Likely to be the First GIF of BB17. The sassy ones alllllways make the best GIFs. Mmmmmhmmm! *snaps fingers, rolls neck*
TVtater: Most Likely to Think She’s Playing a Super Smart Game, But Isn’t. Oh yes, every year we get the egotastic houseguest (usually a guy) that has it all figured out, and then goes out pre-jury. History is about to repeat itself.
Vanessa Rousso – Age: 32 – Occupation: Professional Poker Player
TVtater: WTF?!? Vince just used the Coup d’Jeff, and veto’d my “see my Da’Vonne award?- yeah well – Ditto” answer so… uhh, Most Likely to Take A Cash Prize Instead of the Veto. Cause you always take your chips off the table when you can!
Vince: Most Likely to Lie About Their Profession. Too easy. She’s a poker player. She even admitted she would do this. Next!
Jason Roy– Age: 25 – Occupation: Supermarket Cashier
Vince: Most Likely To Cry Into the Shorts of His BB Obsession. I’m not the only one who got GinaMarie vibes. Y’all did too!
TVtater: Understand I ALWAYS root for the token gay guy. That being said, I jumped outta that interview faster than a Republican being questioned about listing viable alternatives to Obamacare. Awards (with an S!): Most Likely to Sing on the Feeds. Most Likely To Be the First to use the Word ‘Deserves.” Most Likely to Give Annoying Shoutouts on the Feeds. Wait… I have to stop there, don’t want the other new houseguests to get all jealous about the awards Jason is piling up.
So that’s it. All 14 of the new Houseguests. Let’s see here, 97 days, 14 houseguests, one will be evicted either the first night they are in the house or on the first episode (so it’s been said). We evict one a week… but need three for the final episode… THE MATHS don’t work!!! Well, that’s not our problem! Expect some stunt casting in the next few days for 2 or 4 more houseguests. *sigh*
I guess it’s time for the closing, BUT FIRST: Who’s the first new houseguest evicted?
TVtater: Jason. I think he’s gonna be too annoying too fast and get the boot before anyone really gets to know him.
Vince: Meg. She’s also gonna be annoying to the point of people wanting to rip their hair out. This is a good excuse to send her packing without getting any real “blood” on anyone’s hands.
There you have it. Think we missed something? Got an award wrong? Think you can do it better? Tweet out the HG name, the award you would give them, and include the hashtag #BBawards. Don’t forget to tune in June 24th to see who’s right, and who’s wrong.
Follow us on Twitter: @vince1187 & @TVtater
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